Women! It's Time to Settle.

I’ve tried my best to take a sabbatical from writing anything related to relationships, dating, or marriage. I realize that I have probably been disingenuous to my true self by forcing the thoughts into the toilet and looking for seemingly brighter (or more cynical) subjects to waste my time writing.

However, today this must change. Incidentally, many people have asked with sincere interest concerning the state of affairs I find myself in when it comes to dating. Interestingly enough, I have quite an opinion on the subject and the social norms of my generation. Ironically, I have been asked to write up my thoughts as well as even present them in a fireside like setting. I’ve always felt like most of my peers would have little or nothing to do with anything that I came up with. To put it mildly, my generation is in BIG trouble.

I have come to my conclusions through careful self-analysis as well as by thorough observation of others. Now, I realize also that I stand as a hypocrite in regards to much of my conclusions, but because I’ve learned some things over time, I would be a hypocrite if I continued to act similarly to the past in spite of my knowledge of the present.

I still feel that my key term for this on a spiritual level spurns this advice: “Don’t trade non-eternal priorities for your eternal progression.” What does that mean exactly?

Well, it means that whether the guy you are dating has his degree finished or not is of no eternal consequence in the whole scheme of things. Similarly if you’re a man, the woman does not need to know how to make everything in the Betty Crocker cookbook to meet eligibility for marriage.

More and more I see a bell curve when it comes to the correlation between age and desirable attributes in a potential mate.

Take for instance women in their early 20’s. For LDS women at that age, they want a guy that is a return missionary, treats his mother well, and is capable of spontaneous fun.

By late 20’s to early 30’s a woman can find all of those predetermined attributes in just about any guy in a singles ward any where in the world. They are a dime a dozen. However, by this time it’s not enough. Now a woman needs a man who meets those earlier needs but has his degree finished, working on a career, doesn’t live at home and in all actuality probably owns a home, and is practicing to one day make an established campaign for Bishop or Stake President.

Furthermore, a woman approaching 30 more than likely has a college education, and established career, and owns a townhouse somewhere. Some deep down whether they admit it or not say to themselves, “I got this far without a man, so when Mr. Right comes along, he’ll conform to my lifestyle.”

Once late 30’s and early 40’s hit, a woman isn’t so much worried about whether the guy is an RM, or has an MBA. Most don’t care if he’s divorced and living back at home with mom and dad. (Although this isn’t preferred.) By this time, they just want a good, honorable man that will be loyal and stick with them in tough times.

Hence my bell curve theory.

Men are just as bad. Early 20’s they just want a Barbie doll for a wife. By 30, and partially due to the expectations of the women, they have to have their degree done, a house, a career, and a 401k established before they can even think about getting married. Then 40 hits and they want a Barbie doll again. (Sometimes referred to as mid-life crisis.)

This brings me to the point of this rant. A guy friend of mine clued me into a recent article. It was probably the most concise and well-articulated dose of reality on the subject of marriage that I’ve ever read. It’s mostly for and about women, but men can learn a lot from it too.

It’s written by a woman with some life experience who is in her 40’s and not married. Interestingly enough, I tell people I meet who are in their early 20’s to get married as soon as possible. I’ve lived long enough to realize I should’ve done it much earlier.

The author discusses the term and aspects of ‘settling.’ Now, red flags and sirens are going off for some of the women reading this right now. To you I say, “KNOCK IT OFF!” Open your stubborn minds and think for a moment. Just to help create warm fuzzies inside, I would change the word from ‘settling’ to ‘removing non-eternal priorities.’

Now, read this article and when you’re done, if in fact you can find a point of argument where the author is just dead-wrong, I encourage you to write me.

The Atlantic: Marry Him!

As a follow-up to these thoughts, tomorrow I will provide more enlightening conversation about how it is, how it was, and how it really should be.