'REAL' Dating Advice

I have never been asked to participate in one of those ‘dating’ panels that seem to arise every so often at a church activity. I think this is due to the fact that anyone who might ask me to participate already knows what I think on a number of issues pertaining to dating and realizes that my contributions would not be productive.

This is just my theory on the matter, but I do think that I am never asked because I will say something completely off base with what the ‘general’ rule should be. There are two schools of thought when it comes to advice. You can take it from someone who is married and clearly must have ‘solved’ the dating puzzle. The other option is to discuss and take advice from equally single peers who offer there own conjecture on the matter and hopefully all will come to a consensus.

Both methods are useless. The fallacy of the married person is that they had things happen in a way that probably is not going to happen to you. “We dated for a year before getting engaged, and that’s what you should do.” Or, “We dated for 2 weeks and got engaged, it can happen!”

Either point is stupid to consider and these are just general examples. In attempting to come to a consensus among other single friends, this only promotes a futile exercise in the ‘blind’ leading the ‘blind.’

I will admit, either way may offer some short-term resolve on a matter, but what it basically comes down to is the individual in each individual situation.

I hear there is a book about the “Rules of Dating.” Never read it, and refuse to do so. A few years ago, I was engaged for a week and a half. Upon the dilution of the engagement my mother gave me a book by John Bytheway titled, “What I Wish I Knew When I Was Single.” I was furiously insulted. I didn’t even want to take it home with me. However, to ensure that I did not hurt my mothers’ feelings, I took it and threw it on a shelf somewhere.

A few months later I found myself bored and a little lonely as I had moved to another state and taken a job. I saw this book and decided I’d read it. What can it hurt? It wasn’t bad, but it certainly wasn’t great. Heaven knows Bytheway has made a better living as an author than I. Nonetheless, it was the same stuff you hear over and over again. Do this, and don’t do that. Here is the rule when it comes to this and the expectation when it comes to that. My initial thought upon completion was, “thanks for telling me what I already knew.”

It was, essentially, a waste of time although I tried to give it the benefit of the doubt.

The past few weeks have resulted in an increase in ‘dating’ discussions. I have found myself succumbing to the conversations and being an active participant in formulation of hypothesis about what ‘someone could be thinking’ or ‘what to do if…’ scenarios. Basically it results in me, or my friends, using one another for communal social therapy sessions. Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?
Getting to the heart of the matter, (pun – sometimes I write things and just smile), I have decided to go back to my roots of theory and fact in order to present some resolve on this notion. I have found that I do not know what the rules are and to be honest, I don’t know that I would want to follow them anyway. Hey, I was engaged once, so I was almost to the finish line with previous methodology.

Also, I have had the heartbreaking experience to listen to friends and confidants concerning their frustrations and equally broken hearts. One can say it’s a step we all must go through, but I don’t buy it. Personally, I have endured one heart-wrenching experience this year, and probably will have another before its over. Why? Not because I had to that’s for sure!

Whoever said that time-honored cliché that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results each time, hit that nail on the head when it comes to dating.

A few theories and then a few rules according to Micah.

Girls, it only takes enough effort to figure one guy out. Once you’ve figured one guy out, you can basically apply the learning on every other guy you meet.

Guys, do not, I repeat, DO NOT think that once you’ve figured a girl out, that the same tactics work on the next. Each one is completely individual in thought process and emotion. What works with one, definitely does not necessarily work with the next. Be adaptable.

The ‘Principle of Least Interest’ is in fact a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven. That is, that the person with the most ‘control’ has the least amount of interest. There is no getting around this. You must find a way to deal with this in every situation, remembering that it may be different each time.

One of the best movies of all time is “When Harry Met Sally.” For those of you against Rated R movies I support you. However, this one is a really soft R rating that would be PG if it came out today. Basically an unmentionable four letter-word is said a couple of times. No sex, nudity, violence, or any other issues. In this movie you are introduced by Billy Crystal to the one completely rational yet often rejected rule that:

GUYS AND GIRLS CANNOT BE FRIENDS

This is one of the single-most important laws. Don’t even start thinking right now ways in which you might debate or refute this. (If you’re one of those reading this thinking, “I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex,” call me right now because I want to come over with a 2X4 and smack you upside the head.)

The law is that guys and girls cannot be friends because attraction will always get in the way. You might find yourself friendly with another person and think that it’s just platonic. I GUARANTEE that at some point in the ‘friendship’ one or both of you will consider romantic feelings for the other. When this occurs, a true open friendship ceases to exist because either party will begin to be cautious about what they say and how they say it. Actions will begin to change and thus… friendship is doomed.

There isn’t a girl I associate with that I haven’t thought, “Hmm, I wonder if I asked her out, how it would turn out.” If I haven’t thought that, I don’t associate with them. This sounds crass I’m sure, but it’s the way things are. “Friends” become friends by being attracted to something about that person. Can you really say that you are friends with a member of the opposite sex that you find absolutely nothing appealing about them? I think not. Plus, when you DO in fact get married, you're going to lose that 'friendship' anyway. It would serve you better to risk it now.

Now I’m a believer that you should marry your best friend. Well how do you do that if you can’t be friends? I’ll tell you. The partner whom you choose to marry will only become that best friend after marriage. For those of you who are LDS, I have a myriad of Conference talks addressing this very subject. For the non-LDS readers, most of you are aware of typical social traditions concerning bachelor parties and other “rights of passage” involved in getting married. Would you really do those things without your ‘best friend’ present? Or would you really do them at all?

Lastly,

Stop Caring!

The individuals that seem like they could care less if they get married or not are the most attractive. This is due to the fact that they come across confident, grounded, and otherwise attractively qualified as an individual with their stuff together.

I offered this wise counsel a few years back to a group of girls discussing what they should do about various guys they were wondering about. I told them to stop caring so much. Just live there lives and if the guy is right he will make the effort to let you know. All were dumbfounded as I told them to stop caring. Now I really did not mean that they shouldn’t want to get married, simply to not focus on it so much and to focus on who they were as individuals. Only one of them took the advice, but ultimately, she became more attractive to me, as well as others, and was married a short time later.

You can take all of this with a grain of salt and hopefully it wasn’t a complete waste of time. Or you can find where this applies in your own circumstances and try it out. What’s the worst that can happen? If you’re still single, and desire to be married, than you already know the definition of insanity.

Selfishly, I think I needed to relay this to all of you as a reminder for myself. I could go on. Oh! How I could go on. This will suffice for today as I attempt to heed my own counsel.