Blondes Are Even Less Useful than Once Thought

Today’s earth-shattering realization brought to you by the morning news: There is a lot of money in this world and I’ve got to find a way to tap into it.

Before I get into that, I just wanted to say that I’d like to think of myself as the stereotypical guy in the movies that is up early in the morning, sitting in the corner nook in the kitchen while reading his newspaper and drinking his coffee… er.. hot cocoa.

Back to the money issue…

…the headline read, “Study: Blondes Make Men Act Dumber.”

My first thought upon reading this was, “How much money did they need to spend coming up with this already established and well known fact?”

In my infinite wisdom I thought, ‘Of course they act dumb!” Some men tend to stammer and stutter; lose control of their eye movements, which probably start at the hair but then descend and transfix on an area between the chin and the belly button. I have actually seen some visibly drool.

As a guy, I do not know what the draw is to blondes over a brunette, or even a red-head. (Although I should note that women should not choose a car as an accessory as witnessed by the rust colored Mazda I saw yesterday with the bright auburn headed woman in the driver seat. It was a very odd site.)

This was only the beginning. I had made all of these thoughts upon simply reading the headline. Upon further examination of the article I found the researchers actually tested whether men could answer general questions when a blond was in the same room or not. Apparently when confronted with images of blond women, men become distracted and unable to perform, intellectually speaking.

Unbelievably, ‘further inspection’ showed that the men were not really distracted at all, but because the men carried a stereotype that blondes are dumb, the men, in turn became dumb as well.

Some key thoughts here:
A) If I do not agree with the stereotype would I act ‘dumb’ given the same examination?
B) If the study revolved around ‘stereotypes’ and not based on gender, where were the women who believe that blondes are dumb? And would they in turn act just as ‘dumb’ as the men?
C) Who really has this much time on their hands and how does this serve society in any way, shape or form?
D) Where can I get my hands on some of this grant money? I’ve got some research I’d like to do when it comes to the stereotypes found in box elder bugs and their preferred mating habits. I’m sure that you’re all dying to know how this could affect your livelihood.

I’m also curious to know, within my stereotypical view of myself reading the newspaper in the kitchen, what other problems could I encounter throughout my life because I happen to do so while the cartoonish box of Peanut Butter Crunch is juxtaposed inches away?