Hire A Stalker!

In light of a recent conversation I had with some friends, it caused some reflection on an area I am not too familiar with; stalking.

I’ve had a number of female friends share the fact that they either currently have, or at some previous time in their lives, had someone ‘stalk’ them. As horrible as that may sound, I decided to investigate further as to what one might consider stalking.

Upon solicitation for a definition from these women, I realized they did not ever have a true experience of being stalked. Most responded that there was a ‘creepy’ guy who would ask them out repeatedly and wouldn’t take no for an answer. At this juncture was where I questioned whether they had actually communicated effectively that they had no desire to go out with the guy or did they keep up some variation of the ‘I have to wash my hair that night’ excuse?

Another commonly heard response entailed something about a guy that happens to wait outside a classroom or in the hallway every time a woman would leave. This again is not stalking. This is merely a wuss of a guy who can’t get up the courage to talk to the girl, but yet continually tries to initiate the opportunity to interact. This may seem strange, and a bit creepy, but again not necessarily a stalker.

The worst realization was to find out that a woman would say, “yeah, I had a stalker once,” only to find out that she never had a stalker. She merely used it as a way to boost her own ego like it was a status symbol to be able to admit that there was a period in her life she was so irresistible that some men wouldn’t leave her alone.

In my entrepreneurial thoughts lately, I think I’d like to open an agency where one could hire a stalker. In kind of a spin-off of the private investigator route this could be a valuable service on so many levels. For example, you’re a man. You have a sincere interest in a woman but just can’t seem to find a way to break the ice. Hire a stalker! This enables you to be the hero to the woman in getting rid of the stalker. Let her know you’ll protect her and wah-lah! You’ve made her feel comfortable and safe while also obtaining key information on her likes and dislikes, and how she spends her time.

Now if you’re a woman, this can be an invaluable tool to attract men and also impress your friends. Hire a stalker to show up at random places like the mall or the movies while you’re out with your friends. They will deep down be a little jealous that you’ve got a stalker, and the male friends in your life will be forced to take the initiative to be around you more to make sure you’re safe.

Either way, a hired stalker could be a more effective manner for inspiring those members of the opposite sex in your life to step up to the plate.

If this doesn't work, or you're too cheap to spend the money to do it right, there is always Facebook.


In all seriousness though, I’m not advocating stalking or any other behavior that may be construed as such. I’m sure there have been serious situations where my female friends felt extremely threatened and scared. Hiding GPS tracking devices under the frame of the ex-girlfriend’s car is not a sign of a mentally stable individual. On the other side, I haven’t asked any male friends, but I did see ‘Fatal Attraction’ and firmly believe that women are just as capable of sociopathic behavior as a man might be.

You may be wondering how on earth this became the blog to come back from sabbatical. To be honest, I have no idea, but apparently things are beginning to brew upstairs again. For more information on franchising your own Hire-a-Stalker outlet, you know where to find me. Of course that is only if you’ve been stalking me.