The 'Ultimate' Survey

Election Day is mere hours away and it seems every where I turn I see some poll or survey outlining the various opinions of voters. From Presidential candidates, to mayoral races, to school vouchers. It is interesting to see the differences in the numbers based on the source or media outlet.

As my domestic status currently stands, being single sometimes evokes many questions when faced with the ever changing dating scene. In honor of Election Day, I propose the ‘Ultimate Survey’ be conducted at the commencement of any date or relationship.

You’re asking yourself, ‘What is the ‘Ultimate Survey?’ Well, I’ll tell you. It’s not even my idea to be honest with you. A few years ago I dated a girl who offered this theory and even coerced me into the application of it.

Basically, it’s built on the assumption that all parties can act as mature, responsible adults. This means that each person can accept responsibility for their own actions, not just in a relationship either. Also, they must be able to be open and honest about their true feelings and not kowtow to selfish aspirations like they don’t want to say something that would hurt the feelings of another. Both must be individually confident and capable to offer both positive and constructive criticism, but to be able to take it as well.

Essentially, a series of questions would be gathered and at the point when the courtship was ending, both sides would take an inventory of what they learned or gained from the other. Also, they would offer, and/or ask questions pertaining to areas each one respectively felt they needed some feedback on to improve upon for the next dating opportunity.

Now you might be skeptical at this point and say, ‘people shouldn’t have to change for someone if they are the ‘right’ person.’ I’m not going to argue with that. However, in my understanding of what it takes to have a successful relationship, partners should be ‘willing’ to change and do it constantly and without prejudice. Also, some things could be noted that may be universal in any situation. For example, you may have gone out with a person on a date, and for a great portion of the date they picked their nose. Although difficult to say to someone, it would really be in their best interest to know that this is not a comfortable or appropriate practice.

Seriously though, one girl I dated would get upset that I would joke about having and raising children. I’d make comments like, “Kids? Who needs ‘em? All they do is eat, sleep, poop and cost a fortune.” While I still believe the basic statement is true, she felt that I was against family and children all together. Incidentally, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. However, too much sarcasm made her feel as though I was serious. I took this constructive criticism as a universal suggestion to improve upon the next time around.

The feedback process is beneficial in all types of communication strategies and skill sets. So why not use it in the one place that communication is essential? Relationships.

I agree most would probably have a difficult time developing this in the habits of courtship. When the idea was proposed to me, I was more than skeptical; I thought it was ridiculous.

A month or so after dating the girl that originally came up with this plan, she asked me to come over and just go for a walk and talk. She kind of tricked me into it being a talk just to catch up and see how each others lives were. It was a Sunday night in Beaverton, Oregon. We walked about 2 miles that night. When we got to a pond with some benches around it we sat down. This is where she proceeded to ask me the questions she had come up with as part of her survey. I immediately knew where she was going with this conversation, but I was stuck.

All I could do was go along with it. I answered her questions honestly and without hesitation. I found that I too had some questions that I wanted some feedback on. It turned out to be a great conversation and we remain friends to this day. She is happily married now, but she graciously takes the time to chat with me occasionally to make sure I’m sticking to the things I’ve learned and making true priorities in life.

Of course, I recognize that this is rather unorthodox and somewhat impossible to fathom. Who in the world would want feedback from a relationship that was over? Sometimes dealing with the bitter feelings that can come about is painful enough. This is where maturity of the individuals takes shape. If one or the other, never sincerely opened their heart or mind to the other, they probably aren’t capable of this type of exercise anyway.

So in honor of Election Day, I propose Referendum 28 (in honor of years I’ve been alive.) This motion allows for people to simply be open and capable of taking the time to look for ways to better themselves to ultimately reach the goal all us single folk are pursuing. (I don’t have to say it.)